"The Phantom of the Opera" D Starring: Gerard Butler, Emmy Rossum, Patrick Wilson, Miranda Richardson, Minnie Driver Director: Joel Schumacher Studio: Warner Bros. Films Rated: PG-13 (for brief violent images) RT: 140 minutes

It first occurred to me while sitting in the audience of the Broadway production of "The Phantom of the Opera" several years ago: Why doesn't one of the other characters simply climb up to the rafters and arrest that fellow for trespassing? It would have prevented so much heartache.

This action seemed more reasonable than allowing the Phantom character to go on showering the other characters with debris and bad vibes. But nothing about "The Phantom of the Opera" has ever made much sense, including its massive popularity.

Folks flock to this overwrought spectacle in bunches, and billions have been spent on the music Andrew Lloyd Webber concocted ---- and there are few other verbs that work so nicely ---- to present the story of a hideously disfigured chap who stalks the hidden (or apparently hidden) passageways of an 1870 Paris Opera House, and attempts to dominate the life of a beautiful young singer through fear and intimidation. Let the romance begin.

Meanwhile, with the help of fellow cash-cow and noise-bleater "Cats," another Webber concoction, Broadway transformed itself from a vibrant community of resonant ideas, well-crafted words and astounding performances to a money-grubbing tourist trap, occupying valuable theater space for years, ending up some kind of Disney-fied corporate playland, where rehash is king, and new ideas are often ---- but not always ---- shoved so far from the main thoroughfare, you need a subway map and some really comfortable shoes to find your way toward a creative and original notion. Not that I'm bitter.

And all of this said, I'm a big fan of Webber's "Evita," and am one of the few film critics who actually liked ---- no, loved ---- Madonna's film version and remain actively employed.

But oh, this Phantom, brought to the screen with even more of the misplaced romanticism, the gaudy set and costume design, the most puzzling array of high-handed, dull and over-orchestrated score and lyrics.

The plot, remindful in style and tone of the reading primer "Fun With Dick and Jane," has the Phantom, a morose bellower played in the film version by Gerard Butler, as a longtime inhabitant of the theater. There since his terrible childhood, the Phantom refuses to allow his theater to be used for anything but the most respected artistry. Ah, the irony.

When the kind, beautiful and talented Christine (Emmy Rossum) becomes the lead in the new production, in part because of the Phantom's mystical intrusions, maybe things will calm down. But as Christine is falling in love with childhood pal and wealthy theater benefactor Raoul (Patrick Wilson), the Phantom gets hot under the collar.

All of this leads to further harsh words, blends of fantasy and reality, father-figure digressions, endless solos (fans should know that the stage version's hits are intact, and new songs have been added), weird flashbacks and a journey through those hidden passageways, a sequence that reminded me of a childhood trip to the Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico.

There were more bats on that trip, though. Here, we see some rats, and bats are better than rats. It all culminates in a final confrontation between the three leads, where issues are partly resolved but nobody will end up very happy. This is opera, of course, but not real opera, and that's entirely the problem, but enough already.

The voices of the actors are technically sound, even pleasant. And the character created by Minnie Driver is hysterical. Driver's sassy Italian diva is easily the highlight of this thing. Every time she appears on screen, bored viewers are likely to emerge from painful theater-chair slumps. Were only that character allowed loose to hunt and tame the Phantom above, falling in love with him, swinging from that marvelous chandelier as they play one-on-one strip poker. Some people simply deserve each other.

As is, the second filmed version of the novel "The Phantom of the Opera" (the first was Lon Chaney's 1925 silent film), well, just to tone down the negatives, it didn't tickle me very much, as the theatrical version did not. And now they are preparing a lavish, permanent theatrical version in Las Vegas. Elvis, please return to the building, and make a citizen's arrest in the rafters.