Expert offers tips on good parenting

By: JENNIFER KABBANY - Staff Writer | Monday, December 27, 2004 8:38 PM PST ∞

MURRIETA ---- This fall, Murrieta Valley High School launched a lecture series aimed at teaching moms and dads how to help Johnny and Suzy avoid the pitfalls of adolescence.

Talks focusing on drugs, gang awareness and peer pressure are joining typical high school fodder such as back-to-school night as the school attempts to be a better resource for parents, said Mick Wager, the school's learning director.

"This is a newer thing," Wager said. "We've had college nights and parent nights. We're trying to expand on that."

The latest talk, on Dec. 7, featured renowned marriage, family and child counselor Mitchell Rosen, who, in addition to running his own private practice in Temecula and Corona for more than two decades, works with area school districts and has given similar talks on campuses throughout Southwest County over the years. He also has hosted a local radio show and talk show.

"Rosen gives a whole other perspective on student issues," Wager said, adding that more experts on a variety of subjects will give talks in the new year.

As for Rosen's overall message to parents earlier this month, his main theme was that when kids get older, they don't need you less; they need you differently.

Sitting in his Temecula office Monday, Rosen recounted his lecture point by point.

To start, he said, he showed parents a slide illustrating the disciplinary problems from the 1940s as compared with today. Replacing such issues as talking out of turn, chewing gum, running in the halls and littering are drug abuse, pregnancy, rape, robbery and suicide. The data are based on information Rosen culled from U.S. News and World Report.

"The temptations kids are dealing with have changed profoundly," Rosen said. "Good kids from good families can be involved in drug and alcohol and sexual activity."

To Rosen, good parenting means knowing what battles to fight, he said. Homework and drugs are two issues to tackle head-on, he said.

"Our job is to not let our kids fail," Rosen said.

When it comes to ensuring homework is complete, "if it means putting them at the dining room table and saying, 'I am going to watch you while I do the dishes,' then that's what it takes," he said.

As for possible drug abuse, Rosen said that if a parent suspects their child is under the influence, they must confront the issue.

"Kids need privacy ... but it doesn't mean they can lock their door at all times," he said. "If you suspect drug abuse, search their room in their presence. If they say, 'You don't trust me,' you say, 'Yes, and I'll tell you why.'"

But not everything teenagers do needs be confronted or condemned. When it comes to the latest fashion trends, even the wilder ones, gives teens some leeway, Rosen said.

If they want to die their hair green or wear trendy clothes, let them, Rosen said, so long as what they're wearing doesn't have a permanent impact on themselves or hurt society. For example, condoning tattoos or looking the other way if your son or daughter decides to wear a swastika is not recommend, he said.

Rosen also explains that for teenagers, "it's all new" ---- their first love, their first breakup.

"Listen more than say anything," he said. "Use open-ended statements ... rather than rhetorical questions. Say, 'I'm here.' Knock on their doors."

Rosen also gives parents a few tips on how their own styles might be impeding their child's proper development. Parents who use intimidation tactics often raise children who grow up to be intimidators themselves, he said. Anal-retentive parents might make for children who are wound too tightly, he said.

Other parents can act as "injustice collectors," blaming everything but their child for problems. Some act helpless, saying they can't get their children to do anything. Still others have a hysteria complex, freaking out over everything and creating a chaotic environment for their child.

Rosen said parents must recognize their weaknesses and work to eliminate them to raise their children properly.

More talks such as the one Rosen gave are planned, Wager said, adding that specific dates for the lectures have yet to be scheduled. Topics such as drug awareness and gang awareness are likely to be some of the issues addressed, he said.

The school will get the word out through newsletters, mass e-mails to parents and fliers distributed throughout the district, he said.

Contact staff writer Jennifer Kabbany at (951) 676-4315, Ext. 2625, or jkabbany@californian.com.

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