How to be a better harasser

By: LOUISE ESOLA - Staff Writer | Friday, July 15, 2005 11:06 PM PDT ∞

Did you know that you can in no way, shape or form solicit sexual favors from a workplace subordinate in exchange for blessing him or her with a higher salary, a promotion or other perks that are not limited to a doughnut from 7-Eleven?

Duh! Of course you knew that!

Well, the state of California apparently doesn't quite think you do and wants you to really know that, no, you can't do that. In fact, I've learned that you pretty much can't do anything in the workplace without risking a human resources speeding ticket.

Allow me to explain.

State law now requires that workplace managers attend two hours of training to learn how to avoid, identify and conquer inappropriate behaviors in the workplace.

My company has taken this a step further to require that all employees attend more than an hour's worth of what is being dubbed as "sexual harassment training," which covers everything from sitting on a colleague's desk to voicing political thoughts, using profanity, and then some.

First off, we newsroom linguists have chuckled at the notion of "sexual harassment training," which in our word-for-word minds translates into "tips and lessons on how to become a better sexual harasser." After all, does "dog training" mean teaching a canine how not to be a dog? Not to bark, not to urinate on tree trunks, or sniff other canine bottoms? I think not.

Over the last two weeks, each one of us newshounds (talking about people working in the newsroom here) was instructed to attend one hour or so of this "sexual harassment training."

This hands-off workshop, which I attended this week, was delivered mainly via a collection of colorful video-recorded skits displaying very obvious workplace behaviors that fall within the periphery of sexual harassment and other forms of harassment.

This video, I am sure, was not meant to be a comedy, but mysteriously produced the same giggles one might hear from a studio audience during a taping of "Saturday Night Live."

It featured such complex characters as the delivery man who in a sleek, sly manner asks the receptionist to pose in some photographs of questionable nature, and the pack of male worker bees hunched over a computer exploring questionable Web sites, hooting and hollering in the near presence of a female colleague.

I mustn't forget the skit ---- I could not possibly invent this ---- where the very, very large woman with a round, pouty red mouth sneakingly closes the blinds in her office and demands of a small and feeble male business associate, very sexily with the batting of her eyelashes, a foot massage. Yes, a foot massage under fluorescent lights, in exchange for millions of dollars worth of business.

And, I am sure they couldn't wrap this up without ... dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuuuuun ... the boss who sits on the worker's desk and goes on to tell her that if she really wants to move up in the company that she could do this and that. And so on.

Following the showing of the video, our human resources representative had us break into groups and list possible forms of workplace harassment. One woman in my group, a journalist in her 80s, laughed and said that the only instance that came to her mind was: forcing an 80-something-year-old woman to attend sexual harassment training.

And technically, she's right.

For, after that exercise, we were told that if you do or say anything that is perceived as offensive to a colleague, and he or she expresses that he or she is offended, you are to stop what you are doing because it falls within the ever-expanding confines of harassment.

As in: Barney, please stop typing so fast. I find it offensive.

In the days of religions that claim that the spirits of dead aliens are within us all and far-left politics that find it wrong to kill ants, I am led to believe that you can pretty much offend anyone with anything you say or do because you have no idea what will offend someone.

It has caused many of us in my workplace to either intentionally, or just to be funny, apologize for everything we do or say. As in: "Louise, I am sorry if my asking if you knew what our fax number is could be deemed offensive in any way."

Some of you may find this here black newsprint offensive. For that I am sorry. If you keep this between you and me, I'll buy you a doughnut.

Staff writer Louise Esola covers Oceanside schools. She can be reached at lesola@nctimes.com.