Missing a ride on the Hogwarts Express

By: LOUISE ESOLA - Staff Writer | Friday, July 22, 2005 11:17 PM PDT ∞

What the heck is a Muggle?

In the heat of last week's worldwide anticipation for the release of the new Harry Potter book, I was struck with that same feeling I had when I was a child on the first day of school wearing stone-white Keds while everyone else was wearing bright red Nikes. So uncool, man.

It all started last Friday morning, when I, your friendly columnist, arrived at work to find a newsroom brewing in chatter of Hogwarts, Hogsmeade, and of course, Muggles. Everyone was stirring over which bookstore and where? Everywhere! What time? Midnight!

Here I am, listening to living, breathing, tax-paying adults, with 401Ks, talk about an upcoming children's book as though the members of Air Supply were putting down their hair-feathering combs and releasing a new eight-track. (For a 20-something chick such as myself, that would be like tickets going on sale for a New Kids on the Block reunion tour.)

So there I sat. Quiet. (Probably the first time in my life.) Nothing to say or contribute to the talks.

After the news reports came pouring in over the wire, I figured out that apparently anxious people everywhere ---- with or without literate children ---- were making big plans to don their inner wizard hats and star-clad capes to make a beeline after work for the nearest Barnes and Noble for a midnight selling of "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince."

And I wasn't invited? When did this become so cool? Have I missed something? I felt like a defrosted cavewoman, wondering when everyone started wearing clothes. (This book sold more than 6 million copies in 24 hours!)

Well, the truth is, I tried to get into Harry Potter back in 2000, when this little guy first reared his eye-glassed head. I wanted to see what the big fuss was so I read the first book.

When writing this column, I did not even recall the title of the book. I had to consult my research assistant and newsroom librarian, Mrs. Willamina Google, who informed me that she had 22,700,000 bits of information on Harry and that first book was in fact called "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone."

Since I did not remember the title, you will not be surprised when I tell you I read this book similarly to the way a teen might read "Beowulf" in a high school English class: Totally forced to do so and intellectually absent from the experience. I kept asking myself: "Louise, why are you reading a children's book?"

Frankly, I didn't latch on to the book. Go figure. Some people don't like dessert. I think those people are nuts!

If you, Potter lovers, think this is bad, I haven't watched a "Star Wars" film since the '80s. That was the time when it was not "my turn" ---- as the only (rather bratty) girl of four children ---- to pick the movie on a Sunday afternoon with my see-you-on-Sunday dad. I tried to watch Episode One again several years ago to see what the big fuss was. I fell asleep.

And yet, these are the films that had people camped out in theater parking lots overnight, calling in "sith" (rather, "sick") the next day, just to get a first peek of a fantasy film about, correct me if I am wrong, a brother and sister who really like each other.

The Harry Potter series has adults using made-up words in everyday office discussions.

But let's face it. Perhaps it's not them; maybe it's me. I'm the one who's out of touch.

On Monday morning, my boss sent an officewide e-mail ---- under the subject heading "Censorium Clamuppis" and containing such terms as "Muggle Meddler" ---- about how if one gives away any details on the new Potter book, he or she will be subject to undesirable newspaper assignments.

Well, I knew I could (for once) keep my mouth closed because I had no idea what he was talking about. As for my officemates, I worried for them.

One reporter declared that he had spent his entire Saturday reading all 652 pages. Another said she had read only a few chapters, but managed to listen to some of the CD (this one purchased both book and audiobook).

By the time this column is published, many Potterians may have already breezed through their prized book. And people, such as myself, are still asking questions like: couldn't you have bought the book on Saturday morning? Are there any Cliff Notes available?

'Cause I really want to know what a Muggle is.

Staff writer Louise Esola covers Oceanside schools. She can be reached at lesola@nctimes.com.

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