The myth of the workplace sick day

By: LOUISE ESOLA - Staff Writer | Friday, August 12, 2005 8:37 PM PDT ∞

I am pretty certain that once this column is published, I will have to produce proof (a severed limb floating in formaldehyde or a coughed-up lung in a Ziploc baggie) if I am ever to call in sick without raising doubts from my boss or colleagues.

Why, you ask? Because I was recently reminded that it is pretty much underground, yet common, workplace etiquette to only call in sick when the weather is nice or you have something better to do.

And I, a journalist by trade and a humorist by trait, am here to expose the truth.

Wearing my serious, investigative reporter hat on Monday, I was assigned the lovely task of hitting the sandy shores to interview beach-goers about the invading jellyfish: Have they seen them? Anyone been stung? Are you afraid to go in the water? What'cha got in your cooler? Etc.

Gathering quotes from random sunbathers and sand castle architects was not as easy as it seemed. For it was Monday, the armpit of a sometimes dreaded work week, sunny with few clouds and a light breeze.

Because of this glorious weather, and the weekday promise of an uncrowded beach, I had some trouble gathering quotes and names from random beach-goers. And the Witness Protection Program had nothing to do with it.

I found that many of my subjects sprawled on their beach blankets had taken it upon themselves to cleverly conjure up their best groggy, hoarse voices (perhaps adding in a few sniffles here and there for authenticity) to call in sick that day. Therefore ---- duh! ---- they did not want their names in any newspaper for fear their supervisors might read it the next day.

That got me thinking: Who's really sick when they call their boss and say, "I'm sick" (cough, cough)? Especially this time of year in Southern California, with its perfect August weather, which boss really buys the ol' excuses? And more importantly, why didn't I call in sick (cough, cough)?

Please, dear readers, don't condemn me as the village tattletale for highlighting the fact that many of us have indeed played hooky at least once or twice, claiming to have a major case of "a 24-hour bug that has been going around."

And really, whether you are ill or not doesn't quite matter because even in times of actual health issues, don't most of us suspect our bosses don't believe us anyway? I guess that's why some folks actually call in sick hours before 9 a.m., when the office is dark and the cubicles are empty, so they can grumble to the boss' voice mail how sick they are (cough, cough).

That said, I am here to give you some tips about calling in sick. For the record, I am not encouraging this type of irresponsible vocational behavior. (Cough, cough).

For starters, it's too late for me, but don't write a newspaper column about the matter. Even if I have been half-eaten by a shark on Sunday, I will be expected in the office Monday morning. Or I will need to produce a complete autopsy report of Jaws' stomach.

Another word of advice: Try to avoid calling in on Mondays and Fridays, especially before and after major holiday weekends. And, fellas, this includes Super Bowl Sunday. These days are dead giveaways for the real reasons you are calling in sick, such as: I drank too much on Sunday, or I decided to extend my vacation.

Also, when conjuring up an excuse, never claim to have an illness, ailment or incident that most medical encyclopedias might describe as incurable or fatal. This includes being infected by the Ebola virus, being bitten by a lion or falling out the window of a Greyhound bus going 65 mph.

Whatever ailment you choose, make sure it's curable in no more than 24 hours. If not, you could risk having your entire office sending you a get well card, balloons and flowers, and therefore drawing more attention to the fact that you played your sick card on a sunny day.

And after you've made the dreaded call, as you hit the sand with all your beach essentials (a towel, 100 SPF sunscreen so no one notices your new day-off tan, a book you won't read because you'll spend most of your time people-watching, etc.), heed my last piece of advice:

Don't talk to any reporters. We have big mouths.

Staff writer Louise Esola covers Oceanside schools. She can be reached at lesola@nctimes.com.

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