Not caring to give the very best

By: LOUISE ESOLA - Staff Writer | Friday, November 25, 2005 10:55 PM PST ∞

If you've ever braved the shopping mall scene this time of year, chances are you've seen the symptoms.

The not-so-fancy finger gestures from those cruising the parking lot for a space to plant their monstrous Ford F-250s. The rolling of the eyes of women competing to make browsable space in the racks of crowded clothing. The butting, rude dash up the overpopulated escalators.

What is it about the ol' season of green and red ---- I am trying to avoid terms such as "Christmas" to evade negative publicity from the likes of the ACLU ---- that often brings out the worst among the cult of the credit card carriers?

They'll sing "Silent Night" at a peaceful tree-lighting event; but they'll tell a store clerk to *&^%$# &%$!!!!

I believe that I have found the answer: Perhaps too often we all find ourselves with a mean case of the holiday gift-giving grumbles.

This is when we feel forced to purchase gifts for those we simply cannot stand ---- brother-in-laws, aunts twice removed, sisters and sister's kids for example.

We sit in traffic for hours and we stand in lines that wind from the register in the housewares department to what seems like several city blocks away in the maternity clothes section. All this, quite frankly, for someone we don't really like, but by genetic mutation on the family tree we are forced to toast egg nog with.

And, of course, produce a gift for.

That said, here I will provide a helpful list of passive-aggressive gifts that are sure to leave you chuckling in your bed at night at the thought of Uncle Nevershutsup and Aunt Stayingforaweek unwrapping their very own matching, signature Frosty the Snowbunny knitted sweaters.

Aside from the most obvious ---- the holiday-themed knit sweater ---- here are my ten favorites:

1) The Christina Aguilera "My Kind of Christmas" album, or any other holiday recording that transforms the uppity song "Jingle Bells" into a lengthy ballad of glass-shattering falsetto and narcissistic ad-libbed vocals. You can write in the card: "I thought you would enjoy this just as much as I enjoy you."

2) "Self-defeating Behaviors," "One Day at a Time Therapy," "Help Yourself to Happiness" or pretty much any unsolicited self help book. The soothingly spoken audio book versions also do the trick. For the card: "A friend told me this one works."

3) This next one functions as a projected passive-aggressive gift. If you don't like the parents, get the kid a 156-part, not-so-easy-to-assemble drum set for the youngster who has it all and wants it all NOW! You could scribe: "Hours of enjoyment for your precious Johnny."

4) In the spirit of the migraine-unfriendly drum set, you could splurge on a ten-gallon aquarium with a mesh-wire lid, a water bottle, "habitat" tubing, a running wheel, and a bag of gerbil food ---- but no gerbil. You are merely planting the thought. For the card: "Every kid deserves a gerbil or two. Enjoy!"

5) Also falling under projected passive aggressive, when the wife's not your favorite person you could get the husband an indoor miniature golf set with a extra box of golf balls. The card could read: "Just right for your living room floor. Don't let the winter blues ruin your game."

6) A generous McDonald's ultra-convenient gift card. The latest in the gift card species, sure to ruin any hopes of losing a few pounds in the new year ---- or January at least. You could write: "Supersized down to the last bite."

7) A one-year subscription to Dog Fancy magazine. You can't remember whether he has a dog or not, but you've met his girlfriend. For the card: "For the canine lover in you."

8) A no-money-down gift card. This acts as a delayed-reaction passive aggressive gift. They won't know there's no money in the kitty 'til they try to buy that toaster oven at a post-holiday sale at Sears. For the card: "Treat yourself to something wonderful."

9) This one is also easy on the wallet: The shrink-wrapped holiday sausage and cheese set left over from last year's office gift exchange and recently discovered in your basement next to the boxes of Christmas decorations. (That Santa mug and mug warmer set would also work.) The card: "Happened to spot this just for you."

10) And lastly, an 8-by-10 framed photograph of yourself. Why? 'Cause chances are, they can't stand you either.

Staff writer Louise Esola covers Oceanside schools. She can be reached at lesola@nctimes.com.