Walking in a winter wonderland?

By: LOUISE ESOLA - Staff Writer | Friday, December 9, 2005 11:29 PM PST ∞

I recently learned that the guy who wrote the festive lyrics of "Winter Wonderland" and I actually grew up in the same now-snow-covered state ---- Pennsylvania ---- and attended the same icy-sidewalked college ---- Penn State University.

And I am here to tell you that I am pretty much convinced that the long-gone songwriter Mr. Dick Smith, who penned this seasonal anthem in 1934, wasn't paying much attention.

Have you seen the news lately?

One-fourth of the country ---- including my mother ship and alma mater ---- is nearly coated in what is essentially frozen water! (In various forms, of course.)

The colorful weather maps of the United States make it appear as though the white polar ice caps have melted down the northeastern region. A weatherman in a coat that makes him look like the Michelin Man is standing on a snow-covered city street, talking about car accidents, naming intersections like a BINGO announcer.

I can tell you that people there are forced to cover themselves in so many layers of clothing that it makes it nearly impossible to perform daily operations as simple as tying one's shoes and, perhaps, using a turn signal while driving on an ice-slickened road.

I have been there, trust me. For I drove and trekked across my college campus this time of year in attire that made me resemble a walking meatball.

Poor guys, I can say now that I am out. Paroled from the cold.

These folks are spending hours shoveling inches of snow from sidewalks and driveways as the snowflakes keep a'coming and a'coming. They're taking 20 minutes to preheat their cars to drive 10 minutes to the grocery store. They're rushing to emergency rooms because of broken bones and bruises from hitting the pavement ---- in a literal sense.

Does that look like fun to you?

That's winter in the Northeast.

A beautiful sight?

We're happy tonight?

Walking in a Winter Wonderland?

It makes me wonder: Is anybody going to come up with a cheery song about amebic dysentery or hemorrhoids?

For all you native Southern Californians who've never experienced a White Christmas, I will tell you that no one actually walks in this sleet-coated, icy rain-slickened, snow-covered, so-called winter wonderland.

Nobody's strolling, singing, and dancing about the town like Bing Crosby.

If they did, they'd slip and land on their bums, and shout obscenities. Their world ---- the front steps, the driveway, the sidewalks, the parking lots ---- is one gigantic ice-skating rink. Geronimo!

So fundamentally, the lyrics and song title are a little off.

And I, personally, think it's pretty sick that children ---- the same ones who get pegged with snowballs shock-and-awe-style in the playground day after day ---- are forced to sing along during their holiday pageants at school.

To the kids picked last for teams in gym class ---- me! ---- it's nothing worth singing about.

Have I made my point?

I am not a fan of winter and I really feel for my brethren, my familia and friends, in the Northeast.

My husband Donkey Kong, a New Jersey native who must have spent his childhood chugging contaminated water from the Delaware River to marry a woman who refers to him as an ape, reminds me of this when I think of someday moving back East.

Donkey Kong, who doesn't want his real name printed, reminds me that I sometimes complain of the cold HERE, in our sunny Southern California, where it is not entirely unusual to wear shorts in December or to sunbathe in November.

We have it good, he often remarks, as I check the thermostat at home, begging, "can't I just turn it up a teeny, weeny bit?" Then he flips the tube over to the Weather Channel.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

It's not so bad here. In fact, it's great. Let's go swimming!

On that note, I will close with another little factoid I uncovered in my research of the man who scribed the song that made everybody believe that a winter blizzard could be likened to a trip to Disney World.

Mr. Smith, who died one year after writing "Winter Wonderland," was planning to move to California to work for Hollywood. That's right people, he was outta there!

I can almost hear the melody, as dear Mr. Smith planned his escape....

"Later on, we'll conspire, as we dream by the fire."

Staff writer Louise Esola covers Oceanside schools. She can be reached at lesola@nctimes.com.

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