Tips for interfaith celebrations

By: North County Times | Thursday, December 22, 2005 8:19 PM PST ∞

The Devalon family of Vista celebrates both Christmas and Hanukkah. Gerry Devalon, left, is Catholic and his wife, Laura, second from right, is Jewish. Their son A.J. demonstrates the lighting of the menorah as his sister, Aurora, and parents look on. The family also has a Christmas tree located behind them.
JAMIE SCOTT LYTLE Staff Photographer
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Boston-based InterfaithFamily.com offers 10 tips for interfaith families during the December holidays:

1. It is OK for Jewish parents to participate in Christmas and for Christian parents to participate in Hanukkah as a way of respecting their spouse and family. A Jewish parent, for instance, may say, "Today we're going to Grandma's house for Christmas because that is Daddy's or (Mommy's) holiday. We'll help him and his family celebrate, just as he helps us celebrate Hanukkah."

2. Keep the focus on the children's needs. What kids most love about Christmas is not the presents but the family togetherness. Help children understand that they can enjoy Christmas and Hanukkah activities without betraying either parent or their religious upbringing, and at the same time use holidays to reinforce the children's religious identity.

3. If you are raising a Jewish child and are uncomfortable about Christmas carols in school, you might speak with the principal to ask about including Hanukkah songs. Reassure your children that singing or enjoying Christmas songs don't make them Christian.

4. You have to decide yourself, based on what works best for your family, whether to tell your in-laws if they should give Christmas or Hanukkah presents to your children.

5. If there is a dispute about whether to have a Christmas tree, talk about it. It is important for each side to explain what the holiday means to them and to be clear about the underlying issues, such as whether the reluctance to have a tree is based on personal feelings or fear about how relatives might react.

6. Remember that the main concern is about how your family will live religiously throughout the year, not just December.

7. Allow your initial decisions to change as you and your family evolve, but pay attention to your inner feelings and whether you are comfortable with the changes.

8. Work as partners to develop new family traditions while recognizing each partner's needs. Denying needs breeds resentment, but finding ways to meet them strengthens relationships and unites the family.

9. If in a relatively new blended family, it is important for children to have a sense of continuity, despite the split-up of their original family, so parents may want to maintain certain traditions with their own children rather than do everything together.

10. Do not force children in a newly blended family to celebrate unfamiliar traditions at their new step-parents, and expect the first few years to be awkward if you celebrate the traditions at home. Understand that they may even feel they are betraying the religion they have been raised in, and respect their boundaries. Invite, but do not force, them to participate.

InterfaithFamily.com is an independent non-profit publisher and advocacy membership association that works to encourage Jewish choices by interfaith families and increase acceptances of interfaith families by the Jewish community.

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