Abuse a two-way street

By: GREG SCHARF - For The Californian | Thursday, January 19, 2006 8:31 PM PST ∞

I'd like to start by apologizing to the Temecula City Council for accusations of political correctness regarding the "holiday tree" lighting ceremony and parade. Turns out they don't like political correctness either, and the names for both events will be changed this year.

Apparently, at the tree-lighting ceremony city officials were very vocal, referring to the tree as a Christmas Tree, and wishing "Merry Christmas" to all.

But speaking of political correctness ...

A few weeks ago, county Supervisor Jeff Stone wrote about his accomplishments over the past year. He mentioned how women's issues are a high priority for him, and that he's got a volunteer staff person dedicated to them. He also stated that he would be supporting mammograms and breast cancer screening for women who couldn't afford them.

I respectfully ask, what about men's issues? The breast cancer testing is great, and to tell the truth, if he also supported prostate exams for guys who couldn't afford them, I'm not sure many would go.

But I have some politically incorrect ideas that I'd like to bring to his attention as well as anyone else who will listen.

Domestic violence laws and the first treatment, "The Duluth Model," came out of the women's movement. It was very shame-based, and was basically political re-education, and divided the world between "batterers" and "victims," and the assumption was that the batterers were exclusively male.

One thing that is never mentioned is that while there are shelters for battered women, there are none for battered men. I've got a friend whose drug-addled wife slapped, punched, kicked and berated him frequently.

She was trying to push him to the point where he retaliated so she could have him arrested, and thus solve the question of who got the house when they split up, as he would then have a domestic violence beef on his record, and a restraining order in place when released from jail.

He knew very well that if the cops were called, that he would likely be the one to get hauled off, as most police deaths occur at domestic disturbances, and they're most likely going to arrest the person who poses the greater threat to them.

The size differential also factors in. Relatively few women get arrested, as most men won't call the police on an abusive spouse, and several police officers have told me that as much as half the time, when they answer a domestic call, the woman is the aggressor.

At present, the only "shelter" where an abused man can go is Southwest Detention Center, when he finally loses it and hits his partner.

Also, in many cases, the violence goes both ways, yet only the arrested partner has to go through anger management. It's kind of like fixing a car with a smashed front end by installing a new bumper, and ignoring the dented fender.

To suggest mandatory counseling for both partners would be unfair to a truly battered partner, however for most couples involved in domestic violence it is recognized to be more helpful than just the arrestee. Some counties have already begun to mandate counseling for both partners, and I think it's something we should consider here.

Greg Scharf of Temecula is a licensed family counselor and a regular columnist for The Californian. E-mail: Gscharf7@aol.com.