Tuning into out-of-tune

By: LOUISE ESOLA - Staff Writer | Friday, January 20, 2006 11:25 PM PST ∞

I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputeeeeeeeeeeh. (CRACK!)

And I-yah shot the sheriff-if, but I did not shoot the deputeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh. (Windows, shattered.)

An' I-ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya shot the sherif-ehhhh, but I did not shoot the deputeeeeh. (There go the drinking glasses.)

Yes, that was American Idol contestant number 2292, Deputy Brandon Groves of Wheeling, W.Va. Almost as bad as the Ukrainian chick who sang a Queen ballad, but not as bad, in my opinion, as that orange-peel tanned girl singing a song one could not decipher.

I'm no expert in the field of musical vocals, but I think that with the exception of that time Rosanne Barr belted out the Star Spangled Banner as though she were exclaiming profanities to musical notes, America has never been treated to such displays of poor singing as seen during the first few episodes of the famed American Idol TV show.

If you do not watch this show, and are not among the 35.5 million who tuned in to watch the season premiere this week, don't worry. The powers that be hath noteth abandoneth you; there's still time to catch it next week.

I have a hunch, however, that most of you know what I am talking about. You know, the show that typically collects enough public votes for the best new pop star to mirror the number of votes cast in the last election for president of the United States.

This is the show where thousands of people nationwide stand in line for hours ---- rain or shine, talent or no talent ---- to audition before a panel of not-so-nice judges to join the ranks of such pop sensations as Jessica Singleonceagain and Britney Spearmeanotherhusband. (For those out of the loop, these gals are the new generation's Beatles and Tom Jones.)

In essence, most of the people who audition make complete fools of themselves. And we as Americans tune in to watch with pleasure, the same way we like to observe people falling down stairs and tripping on banana peels.

But I feel the question on everybody's mind is: Where do these people come from and do they really think they have a chance?

I will repeat: I'm no expert. I do not have the answers. I once worked behind the bar on karaoke night for an entire summer and have seen the phenomenon, but am pretty sure they don't serve stiff drinks at the American Idol auditions.

My personal musical background goes as far as the time I played flute for a frustrating two months in the fifth grade, throwing the instrument around the room like I was practicing baton twirling. I later pawned the dented specimen for a pair of trendy clogs and took to lip-syncing Madonna songs.

That said, I was inclined this week to consult others for insights as to why people with no talent whatsoever insist on putting their deafening vocal chords to work on national television. To me, this is like taking up deep-sea diving when one has never left the kiddie pool.

After polling a number of music teachers and voice coaches this week, I learned a thing or two.

First off, school choir directors ---- who in the days of going-extinct music programs are as rare as the wooly mammoth ---- never turn a child away. Side effects of the education reform law No Child Left Behind? I wonder.

When a singer is That Bad, I was told they are often placed in between singers who are better as a way to muffle the sound. At times, they do improve. Other voice coaches interviewed promised me that even I, a shower-and-car singer who with a microphone could make one's ears bleed, could eventually learn to carry a tune.

But the general consensus is: Some people just don't know they are singing horribly.

As Mimi Puckett, of Singing Mimi Music Studios, put it: "They're imagining the tone in their head and what they are singing is not what they are imagining."

Hmmmm ... this sounds an awful lot like a form of psychosis ---- "I see dead people ... and they are all purple ... and carrying pictures of my mother-in-law's cats" ---- but, I apologize, I did not get around to calling a shrink for verification.

Staff writer Louise Esola can be reached at lesola@nctimes.com. To comment, go to nctimes.com.

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