Spam: Internet mosquitos

By: LOUISE ESOLA - Staff Writer | Friday, March 17, 2006 10:02 PM PST ∞

For some reason, word got out that I am interested in increasing the size of my male organ and I keep get e-mails touting the solution to my dilemma.

Not only that, but other unsolicited e-mails have also proclaimed a possible end to my sleep apnea, my obesity problem and my paying too much money for my Vioxx prescription. I am also apparently qualified to receive a free sample of serum to get rid of poison ivy on my eyeball and free contact lenses, for my cat.

For those of you who have embraced the world of computers and e-mail, I am sure you all know that there is a way you can eliminate that pesky back hair --- for free!!! ---- if you fill out 21 online consumer surveys, subscribe to 57 Internet newsletters and dole out the personal information of your kin.

I believe the computer-geek term for such Internet marketing is "spam," computerized mosquitos buzzing about and crowding your e-mail inbox.

For those who are not so computer-savvy, such messages are the computer age's junk mail, you know, the carpet-steaming, gutter-cleaning advertisements that flood your mailbox at home. The only difference is at home you might get two or three crummy catalogues and useless coupons a week; whereas on the Internet you can get thousands of business solicitations.

The term "spam" originated in a Monty Python skit in which a restaurant menu only features dishes that contain Spam, a processed, canned-in-water, preservative-pumped lunchmeat. Get it? You couldn't order anything that didn't have Spam. "SPAM! SPAM! SPAM!", as was sung in the comedy sketch.

In case you never actually tried Spam, the food, I'll say that on most occasions it's about as desirable as liver and onions in a little kid's lunchbox. A big, wrinkly-nosed, thumbs down.

And that's how I gather most Internet consumers feel about the e-mail spam. We hate it. We purchase and subscribe to various "spam blockers," but the little buggers always seem to sneak in to inform you that you can get rich "by doing absolutely nothing! ... If you act now!"

This week, Forbes Online published an article that revealed details of a study by some research firm that found that the best time to send spam is on a Friday because it is most likely to be read by a consumer. I don't know how they pinpointed that time frame, but the article stated that the firm looked at 2.7 million messages sent in 2005 as part of 230,000 e-mail marketing campaigns from 4,000 organizations. Gasp!

Well, had they bothered to ask one e-mail patron, they would have saved oodles of time shuffling through millions of messages, I think.

Like most of us who use e-mail to communicate, spam ---- save for the messages I opened Friday afternoon to conduct research for this column ---- is often the first to hit the computer wastebasket. On Monday morning, I'll have hundreds of such messages to delete.

Perhaps one, among the messages promising to eliminate acne on one's forearm and grape juice stains on one's socks, might contain the secret to getting rid of unsolicited advertisements.

Contact Louise Esola at (951) 676-4315, Ext. 4151, or lesola@californian.com.

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