A toast to combat workplace stress

By: LOUISE ESOLA - Staff Writer | Friday, March 24, 2006 10:52 PM PST ∞

Two things in America seem to go together like mashed potatoes and gravy, like carpal tunnel syndrome and the keyboard.

The workplace and stress.

If you've ever pondered bringing a flask to work ---- or have perhaps chewed the caps off all your ballpoint pens, not to mention flayed your fingernails and cuticles into a bloody pulp ---- chances are you know what I am talking about. Vocational stress, whether triggered by deadlines, bosses, customers, workloads, co-workers or uncomfortable shoes, can flood your life.

It creeps into your drive home, your family life, your dreams and, apparently, into your bathroom.

I had a friend over for dinner this week who told me that she was so stressed at work, mostly stemming from a poor relationship with a woman who sits next to her, that she found herself actually going over the upcoming day's rebuttals during her not-so-relaxing morning hot shower.

"When I am in the shower imagining my next fight with 'Snail Vomit,' actually arguing in the shower, you know I've lost it," she confessed.

According to a study revealed in a report by the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health, my friend is not alone. (And according to studies by paranormal researchers, she's not alone in her shower, either, but that's another column.)

The numbers show that up to 40 percent of workers report that they are considering bringing a well-filled flask to the office.

But sit tight, folks! There's a flood of solutions to help quell this cubicle epidemic. Google alone lists 7,800,300 places to look for help managing your workplace stress. (The lists were so overwhelming, and my deadline was so fast-approaching, that I, quite frankly, started chowing down on my forefinger.)

To make things easy on you, I've narrowed them down:

- "Leave a sweet, loving, knock 'em dead message on your own voice mail before coming to work." I guess this is supposed to give us a hint of encouragement once we arrive at the office. To some, however, it will translate into just one more message of dozens to sift through in the morning. And not to sound morbid, but what if you die on your way to work? For the same reason you wouldn't want to be caught wearing dirty underwear, you don't want your legacy to be someone having to listen to you kindly telling yourself how you deserve a raise and that your navy blue pumps really do complement your argyle socks.

- "Sing a cheerful song at your desk to make you forget about everything." I can see many obvious reasons why this would not be a good idea. For one, that cheerful song is a matter of taste. What if your idea of a happy song is the Doors' "The End" or Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues"? What if someone felt like singing "Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead"?

- "Practice relaxing breathing techniques, such as: 'Inhale two counts through the nose. Exhale four counts through the nose. ... Visualize a white fog on inhalation and a dark fog on exhalation.'" This will make your co-workers think you are practicing Lamaze in slow motion. And this tidbit sounds a bit too much like the effects of hallucinogens. I don't know from personal experience, but I think alcohol is much cheaper than psychedelic drugs.

- "Try office chair yoga." This is where you twist and turn, bend forward and to the side, reaching your hands to the floor ---- all this with your bum still glued to your seat, giving the appearance of a person scouring for something on the floor. I am sure this practice would force even an ancient yogi from the East to inquire: "Did you drop a paper clip or something? Your contact lens, again!?"

- Last, my favorite piece of advice: "Have a sense of humor." Experts suggest you play tricks on your co-workers, although I am pretty sure tying one's shoe laces together is bound to cause stress once you start filling out that HR report. Another suggestion is to don a pair of Groucho Marx glasses in the conference room. But I think you wouldn't have to try so hard to laugh if you just started with the message thing and worked your way down the list.

Contact staff writer Louise Esola at lesola@nctimes.com.

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