Her final words on humor: Can't you take a joke?

By: LOUISE ESOLA - Staff Writer | Friday, March 31, 2006 11:13 PM PST ∞

I took it too far, ladies and gentlemen.

(Sigh.)

If you have been reading my column, you might recall how I felt about Girl Scouts cookies and how I never buy the cookies because they are fattening. As you may remember, I likened the Girl Scouts to diet-sabotaging trolls, whom I described ---- I believe this is where things went terribly awry ---- as green and sharp-toothed.

Some readers, namely Scout leaders and an out-of-work actor who actually played a troll in a feature-length science fiction movie, did not find any humor in my scribbles. How could I call Girl Scouts sharp-toothed trolls? Why don't I just throw old ladies in front of buses or tear the tags off mattresses while I'm at it?

To my alarm, they stormed the newspaper with letters to the editor and commented on the newspaper's online message board. One reader threatened to make a citizen's arrest if I didn't buy 87 boxes of Thin Mints from her troop.

They said I haven't done anything good for humanity. (Even though I haven't procreated?)

Some letters got sort of personal, arguing that perhaps I am jealous and have a chip on my shoulder because, at 27, I marginally missed my chance to be a Girl Scout.

Other readers brought up the past, arguing that my articles on experiencing corporate sexual harassment training, jury duty and PMS were also very "hurtful," as in painful, troublesome. (Tell me about it.) They said they are tired of hearing about Donkey Kong, my husband who wants to remain anonymous, and that I'm "probably not even married" because I am "embarrassing and improper." (Truthfully, I think that's why Donkey Kong popped the question in the first place.)

Overly bombarded with resentments, my editors held a closed-door meeting on what to do with their little troublemaker on the Saturday page.

I am not sure what was said, but I do recall two or three visits to the conference room by a pizza delivery guy, an entire reality television film crew and the chair massage lady.

Hours later, they emerged from the room without their shoes, socks and neckties.

The verdict? Censor this woman. Nix this column and replace it with a vacuum cleaner store advertisement.

My response included a series of expletives, followed by a request for permission to say goodbye to those who have been turning to "Geez, Louise" for a little laugh on a Saturday morning.

Those three people ---- namely, a lovely woman in a local health care facility, a vacationer at a county adult detention center and a man who says he is related to Michael Bolton ---- deserved an explanation, I argued.

I stood before them as a sorrow-filled death row prisoner requesting his momma's meatloaf as a final meal.

Finally, they granted my wish.

So, here goes nothing.

Dearest devoted readers, you have meant so much to me.

When I told you that I didn't know how to boil eggs, you sent me your centuries-old secret family recipe. When I confided that I didn't like football and didn't know anything about the college playoffs, you sent me a gift certificate to see a therapist.

Thank you all ---- you three, actually ---- for reading every week.

Lastly, I want to say, from the bottom of my heart: Happy April Fools' Day, and see you all next week!

Contact staff writer Louise Esola at lesola@nctimes.com.

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