Throwing a bone to annoyed moviegoers

By: LOUISE ESOLA - Staff Writer | Friday, April 28, 2006 11:32 PM PDT ∞

If there's one situation that gives me the junkyard dog temperament of a Worldwide Wrestling Federation wrestler moments before the buzzer sounds, it's a typical Friday night at the cinema.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Cell phones ringing, girlfriends chatting, couples squabbling, men burping, babies crying, toddlers whining, kids spilling, feet dangling over chairs. It's enough to make you kick someone's chair or loudly proclaim the greatest discovery in child-rearing since the car seat and the odor-containing diaper pail: babysitters.

For the record, your otherwise friendly columnist ---- whom some have likened to a chihuahua in the threat department ---- has been reduced to such tactics. Move over Road Warrior Animal, here comes Smackdown's latest diva: Kick-the-Seat Cinema Warrior, who comes to the ring touting child care options, cell phone "off" buttons, and, of course, home entertainment centers.

I often wonder, why do parents who won't let their kids ride a bike without a helmet or drink tap water take them to see adult films? I once witnessed a toddler roaming the aisles and crying during the explosions and gore of a war movie. I had a hard time figuring out which scene was more disturbing.

Next to children, cell phones are among the top theater annoyances. Unless one is a CIA operative with access to classified documents that could curb a nuclear war, there is no need to openly tend to one's cell phone during a movie. The other patrons paid $47 for their seats and they'd like to watch the film, &%$#*&%!!!

Then, of course, there are the freelance film critics who explain every scene and bit of dialogue to their mates as though they were translating from Swahili.

That's why I am happy to report ---- as was already reported in the likes of Business Week and The Associated Press ---- that the length of time between the day a movie is released to the theater and the day the DVD hits the shelves at your local video store is gradually getting shorter.

Eventually, films will be released in the movies and on DVD on the same day.

Right now, the window is down to a few weeks.

I do not have the capability to do the economic analysis on how this will actually make money for Hollywood, since it now costs $267.98 for a family of four to attend a movie screening and share a tub of popcorn. A DVD, on the other hand, costs under $25.

But evidently, in the spirit of including near-naked women in B-rated horror flicks, this is a ploy to generate dollars from moviegoers.

That means anyone thinking of taking their 3-year-old to see the next sexy, action-packed, rated-R thriller at their local movie house can someday save the other patrons the grief by heading to a video store instead.

You'll find me in line at Blockbuster.

I can hardly wait.

Contact staff writer Louise Esola at lesola@nctimes.com.

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