Special Vista camp helps families cope with grief

By: DAVID GARRICK - Staff Writer | Saturday, June 9, 2007 11:48 PM PDT ∞

Jean Chalupsky of Scripps Ranch receives a cranial sacrial, or the balancing of the fluids of the skull and spinal cord, by a holistic health practitioner as she and others, who have had a loved one die, get therapy massages at Camp Hope held at Green Oaks Ranch in Vista on Saturday. Chalupsky's husband Hans Wichary was killed while riding his bicycle three years ago.
HAYNE PALMOUR IV Staff Photographer
Order a copy of this photo
Visit our Photo Gallery

---

VISTA ---- Discussing the intense grief that comes with losing a loved one can be a struggle for adults, and in the less-sympathetic world of adolescents the awkwardness is typically even more severe.

But those dynamics change dramatically when adults, teens and children are around other people who have also lost a close relative. That's the principle behind a bereavement camp that 24 local families are attending this weekend on the rustic grounds of Green Oak Ranch in Vista.

"It's nice that the other kids here understand," said Marlie Couto, a Scripps Ranch resident whose father died three years ago in a bicycling accident near Julian. "It makes me feel less unusual and less alone."

The camp got favorable reviews from Couto, her 10-year-old sister Britta Wichary, and her mother, Jean Chalupsky. This is the third year in a row that the threesome have attended Camp HOPE (Healing Outdoor Play Experience.)

"It's easier for me to talk with the kids here because they know what it's like," said Wichary. "We talk about it a lot, but we also do fun stuff like getting a massage and making s'mores."

Chalupsky said adults run into similar problems when trying discuss grief with friends who have not been through the same type of loss.

"When I'm here, I don't get the kind of overt sympathy that I do from other people, which is nice," said Chalupsky, a 42-year-old teacher at Jerabek Elementary in Scripps Ranch. "It's awkward with other people because they don't know how to act. Here, everyone gets it."

Chalupsky and her daughters were among 35 children and 30 parents who converged Friday evening on the 150-acre ranch in eastern Vista. They came for the once-a-year opportunity to spend nearly three days grieving with others, sleeping in a cabin, enjoying nature and relaxing.

On Saturday morning, young campers were splashing in a pool, playing basketball, hiking in the woods, taking hay rides and making arts and crafts. Later on, they played word games, acted in skits and sat by a campfire.

Adults hiked around the ranch, got massages, made art and talked to other adults about grieving tips and how to help their children cope.

Families periodically come back together during the weekend for a candle-lighting event, a tree-planting ceremony, a group drumming session and meals.

"The focus is dealing with grief, but we also want to give families a respite from grief by providing them a pleasant time in the country where they don't have to cook and they can be free from stress," said Kay Cogswell, director of bereavement services at Hospice of the North Coast

The hospice is a 27-year-old nonprofit in Carlsbad that conducts the camp, now in its 11th year. Many families attend the camp several years in a row, said Cogswell.

Bob Fenn, a San Marcos resident on the board of directors of the hospice, said the camp is so effective that the board unanimously approves holding it every year without any persuasion from Cogswell.

"You hear some amazing stories here, and you see people having a really good time," said Fenn.

Wichary, who was just shy of age 7 when her dad died, used a hat-making activity to pay tribute to her father on Saturday. She wrote "Channel 29" and "Stanford" on the hat because her dad loved to watch ESPN he was a standout basketball player at the university.

Couto said she is much shyer than her younger sister, explaining that she mostly listens to the other children talk about their grief instead of talking herself.

"It's nice to hear that I have some social issues in common with other people, because sometimes you feel like you don't have anything in common with anyone any more because your family is structured differently now," Couto said.

Couto said she thinks of her father at least once a day, but that it's become a lot less painful.

"I don't cry whenever I think of him any more, because now there are many positive and happy things that make me think of him," said Couto. "An important thing I've learned is that people should appreciate what they have before it's not there any more."

Chalupsky said the camp has helped the whole family deal more effectively with the ups and downs of grief, which can vary widely from day to day and hour to hour.

"Until I first came here, I didn't know how many other people were walking around broken-hearted and trying to continue with the normal things in their life," said Chalupsky.

The camp, which concludes this afternoon, is run entirely by three dozen volunteers and costs only $25 per family to attend, including lodging in a private cabin for each family, and all meals and activities.

Funding for Hospice of the North Coast is provided by grants and contributions by civic organizations and individuals.

For more information, call (760) 431-4100 or visit www.hospicenorthcoast.org.

Contact staff writer David Garrick at (760) 761-4410 or dgarrick@nctimes.com.