Book bridges families dealing with deployment

By: JENNIFER KABBANY - For The Californian | Tuesday, July 10, 2007 10:41 PM PDT ∞

MURRIETA -- Deployment is hard enough on husbands and wives, but when children have to say goodbye to their mommy or daddy, the realities of military life can be very traumatic.

Just ask Lt. Gary, a Murrieta resident and Navy SEAL for 21 years.

"Once you have kids and you have to leave them fox six months, it's devastating," said Gary. "It makes a six-month deployment feel like a two-year deployment. And the kids are hurting as well."

The 41-year-old lieutenant asked that his last name not be used in article because he is concerned for the safety of his family here as well as that of his son, who lives in a Middle Eastern country with the child's mother.

To make deployment a little less painful for his family and others, Gary recently self-published a children's book, "Never Far Apart."

The book includes elaborate illustrations inspired by real-life pictures of Gary and his oldest son, 7-year-old Sean. The book's message is similar to perhaps what any mother or father would want to say to their child when they are thousands of miles apart and in harm's way -- I love you and I miss you.

The book's stanzas are poem-like, with sing-song lines such as, "You're here with me each morning, you are my rising sun; you're here with me each evening saying 'another day is done.'"

Gary said he can envision parents reading the book to their young children when their mother or father is deployed. According to his research, Gary said, there is only one similar book on the market. What's more, the pamphlets military officials give out to help families during deployment are nothing like his book, he said.

"There is this huge hole," he said. "This fills a need."

"Never Far Apart" is something of a labor of love for Gary, who spent $3,500 to self-publish the "print on demand" book.

And while, on the surface, the book is meant to help military families deal with deployment, for Gary, the book's message has a second meaning.

The lieutenant lost most of his parental rights related to Sean many years ago, he said, after the child's mother moved out of the country while he was deployed.

He fought for five years to retain custody, but jurisdictional issues and a lack of federal laws dealing with situations in which a child is moved out of the state or country by one parent while the other parent is deployed caused him to lose custody of his son, he said.

"I put all my faith in the system I had been defending," he said of his court battles, adding that his efforts were mostly to no avail.

Gary can visit Sean overseas for 30 days each year, he said. The book is one way of showing his love for his son, he said.

"I just wanted to let him know that even though I am not living there, I am always his daddy," Gary said. "I love him and I miss him."

A foreword at the beginning of "Never Far Apart" describes Gary's situation, one that many military parents have faced as well, he said.

Gary and his wife, Lori, have testified before California legislators to talk about this situation and other similar issues facing military families during deployments.

Gary and Lori, 39, met in a military parenting class that Gary was referred to -- and Lori was teaching. She is a clinical psychologist.

They have three children of their own: Savannah, 3, and twins Seth and Sierra, 1.

Gary said he is going to write a series of books dedicated to each child, and has already come up with a theme for his book for Savannah, "The Air That I Breathe."

Lori said that from a professional perspective, books such as her husband's, which bridge the gap between families during deployments, are one of the best methods to help children feel connected to their far-away parents.

"It's called psycho-education," Lori said. "It's the No. 1 thing I recommend besides videotaping."

Gary said families that are left behind deserve as much support as they can get.

"I am a warrior, but families are the warriors (too)," he said. "They have to deal with the father not being there, or the mother not being there."

On the Net:

http://www.neverfarapartseries.com

"Never Far Apart" can be ordered online at Amazon.com and other online outlets

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