Speaking each other's language

By: RUTH MARVIN WEBSTER - Staff Writer
'Modern Mom's Guide to Dads' helps the sexes communicate | Saturday, December 8, 2007 7:42 PM PST ∞

Whether it is simply because men really are from Mars and women are from Venus, or some other reason entirely, many of us have noticed that the two genders do not always speak the same language. Especially when it comes to parenting together.

Now, authors Hogan Hilling of Newport Beach and Jesse Jayne Rutherford of Encinitas have teamed up to let mothers know what it is their husbands really think about pregnancy, parenting and marriage.

"I think it's hard to know why women and men do things differently, so let's just get past the why," Rutherford said. "It is what it is, so let's understand each other better in order to solve conflicts in the marriage."

Released in October by Cumberland House, "The Modern Mom's Guide to Dads: Ten Secrets Your Husband Won't Tell You" ($14.95) is Hilling's brainchild.

A stay-at-home father of three children, he is the founder of Proud Dads Inc., an organization that develops expectant-father classes for hospitals throughout Southern California and conducts workshops for mothers on fathering issues. He also received a 1995 California Courage to Care Award and has made multiple TV and radio appearances.

During these workshops with mothers, Hilling said, the mothers often expressed to him their desire to know more about what their husbands might be feeling and thinking about the parenting experience. With this observation, and the fact that 80 percent of the audience for parenting books is women, Hilling came up with the idea of writing this, his second book on parenting. (His first was "The Man Who Would Be Dad," published by Capital Books.)

He began by putting an ad on Craig's List looking for a young mother and freelance writer to help him write the parenting guide. "I knew I needed a writer because I couldn't do it myself," he said. "I needed a young mother who would address the audience and help me communicate with them."

Rutherford was the result.

Called a "parenting relationship" book, the guide is full of Hilling's insights as to what new dads are thinking, and how wives can get their husbands more involved in the kids' lives and the household without resorting to nagging and manipulation.

"We don't want to preach a philosophy because every family is different," Hilling said. "We are just hoping that this will help couples communicate better."

The authors hope the guide will help couples reduce conflict, even before an argument happens, Rutherford said. "This project has helped me understand my husband better," she said.

Rutherford, who wrote as a member of the staff at the Family Violence Project and occasionally freelances for the North County Times, added the chapter sections "And a Mom Wants to Know" with her insights as a mother and wife.

Accomplishing most of their collaboration over the phone, Rutherford began with 20 or so files. They were on topics that Hilling had amassed material for (stories and quotes from dads) during his 15 years working with dads and five years at conferences and hospitals with moms.

Most of those topics became the chapters in the guide. Among them are "secrets" such as: "Our Marriage Comes First," "We Are Deeply Affected by Our Own Fathers," "We Are Afraid We Won't be Able to Provide" and "We Can Take Care of the Household."

As for the authors' next collaboration, Hilling said that depends on how well this book sells. It may be a similar guide but with respect to parenting teens, or it may be a modern dad's guide to moms.

In the meantime, "The Modern Mom's Guide to Dads" has caught the attention of folks such as radio talk-show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger, who is quoted on the front cover as saying it is a "must-read for everyone with kids."

Contact staff writer Ruth Marvin Webster at (760) 740-3527 or rwebster@nctimes.com.