Yelling 'YOU DA MAN!'

Dew drips from grass that is softer than cashmere and more manicured than Catherine Zeta-Jones. The morning chatter of songbirds echoes peacefully through the pines. The sound of high-polished titanium striking dimpled plastic produces that distinctive sweet-as-sugar ping.

And then this: YOU DA MAN!

Over and over. YOU DA MAN! On every hole. YOU DA MAN! After every tee shot, even the ones headed further right than Dick Cheney. YOU DA MAN!

If you've watched a major golf tournament on television or been to one in person, you've heard these morons issue their battle cry. No doubt they'll be out en force today at Winged Foot during the final round of the U.S. Open. Keep the mute button handy.

Usually, the offenders are well lubricated and only slightly more intelligent than a sprinkler head.

But being dense is no defense for those partaking in the dumbest fan fad this side of ThunderStix. Someone needs to pull a Joe Pesci on these clowns.

Starting now, golf should outlaw cameras, cell phones, and drooling doofuses shattering the sound barrier after every shot. First knucklehead who yells "YOU DA MAN!" spends the rest of the tournament locked in the trunk of Vijay Singh's courtesy car.

When did golf fans decide it was cool to outloud each other, anyway?

As legend has it, the "YOU DA MAN!" phenomenon started in 1990 at, of all places, the Masters when a sufficiently sauced fan followed a contending Ray Floyd around Augusta, yelling those three big words after each and every shot. Not since Joan Rivers had anyone less deserving received so much TV air time.

Gas bags everywhere took notice. Obnoxious was in.

Right now, you can go online and buy "You Da Man" golf club head covers, refrigerator magnets and T-shirts. But please don't. Let's not encourage these buffoons.

"YOU DA MAN!" wasn't cool or hip or cute or the least bit funny the first time. Yet, inexplicably, it has survived all these years.

I would rather watch "Hollywood Squares" reruns, drink lighter fluid and eat thumbtacks than hear "YOU DA MAN!" bellowed once more.

So here's a final plea to all "YOU DA MAN!" blowhards out there (those who can read, anyway).

Let it go. It's had its run. Don't disrespect the words. Besides, there are other things to yell at a golf course.

Here's an idea: "IT'S IN THE HOLE!"

Contact sports editor Loren Nelson at (760) 740-3551 or lnelson@nctimes.com.