Dame Edna: fashion icon, beloved megastar, inspiration to billions.

Wait, you haven't heard of her? My poor dear, clearly you've been in a cave for the past several decades. There's simply no other explanation, other than a rather lengthy coma.

During her remarkable career, Dame Edna Everage has performed for queens, both the monarch ensconced in Buckingham Palace and the non-royal varieties who are among her biggest fans. She's traded bon mots with the likes of Jay Leno, Sean Connery and Charlton Heston. And she's held court for countless eager fans.

As a result, Dame Edna commands respect, and not just because she's big enough to knock you into next week. "Manly," some would say, "as if she's really a guy." The lady in question prefers a more polite term -- "statuesque."

Dame Edna demands respect too, befitting a woman of such renown. If you see one of her shows at San Diego's Civic Theater next week, do remember just one thing: Don't be late.

At a show a few years ago on Broadway, an unfortunate upper-crust woman happened to stroll to her seat a few minutes after Dame Edna's performance had begun. This was ill-advised.

"Where did you come in from?" the dame asked after halting the show. "From Long Island," the woman answered, rattling her jewelry.

"Really? Is that far? Because I'm from Australia," Dame Edna responded. Then her voice deepened into a low roar. "And I managed to get here on time!"

Not a patient one, Dame Edna. But she's a live wire, as her legions of fans -- "possums," she calls them -- are well aware.

American fans are especially enamored of her cat-eye glasses, glittery outfits and mauve hair. And the lady likes Americans back.

"I love touring your country," she said in an interview with the North County Times. "It's really like Australia used to be, a bit of a time warp. I feel like I'm stepping back into a lovely past, because it's so beautifully old-fashioned and conservative."

Dame Edna was a bit conservative in her younger days, marrying a man named Norm Everage and having four children. But the marriage wasn't a happy one, and Mr. Everage suffered from a peculiar medical problem.

"He had a testicular murmur," Dame Edna explained. "It was a murmur that became a bit of a growl."

Eventually, the murmuring and growling Mr. Everage kicked the bucket.

Dame Edna, meanwhile, began her fantastic career with the assistance of one Barry Humphries. He is her "entrepreneur," and in 2007, was named a Commander of the Order of the British Empire for his services to entertainment. (Not bad for a man who seems to do nothing but manage a sterling celebrity. He appears to be a wee bit of a bother, actually: A "leech," she calls him.)

All right then, you may be wondering, but what does this wonderful woman actually do? Well, my dear cave dweller and/or coma survivor, she sings, she makes records and she records TV specials.

She also gets in a spot of trouble on occasion.

Back in 2003, Vanity Fair magazine asked her about the value of learning Spanish.

"There's nothing in that language worth reading except 'Don Quixote,' and a quick listen to the CD of 'Man of La Mancha' will take care of that," she answered, adding that Spanish isn't of much use unless you're talking to "your leaf blower."

She did, however, encourage readers to learn some other languages. English, she suggested, would be a delightful choice for Americans.

The reference to Spanish did not go over well among those who are unable to understand satire, such as actress Salma Hayek. To hear Dame Edna tell it, Hayek simply suffered from professional jealousy. Dame Edna, it seems, was first considered for the movie role of artist Frida Kahlo, but turned it down because she didn't want to play "the role of a woman with a moustache and a monobrow."

A feminine one, that Dame Edna.

She clearly won't be performing as Kahlo in San Diego. How will Dame Edna entertain her audience, then? "I'm bringing them not just a show, but a stimulus package," she said. "There will even be unseen footage. This is the director's cut of my talent, and I'm here to share it with you and all of your friends."

She may talk about her "naturally beautiful features" (she swears she's never had any cosmetic surgery). She may discuss her gynecologist's verdict about the health of her lower hinterlands ("I'm in working order") or even the correct pronunciation of the color of her hair (it doesn't rhyme with "Rove").

There will be some special treats too, like gladioluses for the audience -- her trademark -- and medical miracles.

"This show has a healing effect on people," she said. "For people with illnesses that are not infectious. It is the show that heals. I think that is why the Vatican is so interested in me."

The Vatican? You mean the one in Rome? Yes, yes, of course.

"They put out a little feeler, wondering if I'd be interested in sainthood. Wouldn't that be wonderful?"

But saints do have an unhappy habit of being dispatched in rather gruesome ways -- shot with arrows, burned at the stake, skinned alive, that kind of thing.

Heavens, Dame Edna doesn't want any of that nasty business. But "as long as I don't meet a sticky end," she said, sainthood should be just fine.

The Pope had just better make sure he's on time to the ceremony.

"Dame Edna's First Last Tour"

When: 7 p.m. Tuesday and Wednesday; 7:30 p.m. June 4; 8 p.m. June 5; 2 and 8 p.m. June 6; 1 p.m. June 7

Where: San Diego Civic Theatre, Third Avenue at B Street, San Diego

Tickets: $18-$71

Info: 619-570-1100

Web: broadwaysd.com.