There's a reason why Cupid carries a bow and arrow rather than a soft pillow and a box of chocolates.

Romance can be a battle, and people often get hurt. And while Valentine's Day is V-Day for those already in a relationship, it's often an uneasy truce, a test of whether romance is still alive and love has lasted another year.

Try to find a restaurant ad this week that is not promoting a Valentine's Day dinner, a greeting-card rack that is not covered in red or a seasonal section at the grocery store not overflowing with hearts. For couples, they're all little guilty nudges intent on raising the question of whether this is the first year that the day will have no special meaning. For singles, it's just a reminder that they're single.

In either case, there are plenty of armaments for the battle, especially in February. At least two workshops about relationships are planned in North County this month, including one by Denise Budden-Potts, who holds a doctorate in counseling and psychology.

Besides offering counseling for couples and advice to help singles meet one another, Budden-Potts is a veteran of the hunt herself. She met her husband through the online dating service Match.com five years ago after a one-year search.

"My husband was the 44th man that I met," she said.

Budden-Potts recommends honesty, persistence and a sense of humor in looking for the right person online. She also cautions people to be prepared for disappointment.

"Sometimes people meet and there is chemistry, and some people think that means the man is going to keep calling," she said. "Chemistry does not equal commitment. This is why both men and women need to pace themselves and have their criteria upfront."

Just as it is important to be honest with yourself about what you want in a partner, Budden-Potts said, it also is crucial to be honest about yourself for other people to find you. When describing themselves in a profile for a dating service, for instance, people are tempted to say they "have a good sense of humor" or they're "sensitive."

Both good qualities, but how much do they really reveal about a person? The proof is in the person, not the profile.

"Dating happens in person," she said. "It doesn't happen over a computer and it doesn't happen over a telephone. Going back and forth on computers and e-mails is not something I advocate."

Budden-Potts also stresses that people who are unhappy should not assume that a relationship is all that is missing from their lives.

"A lot of people make the other person responsible for their happiness," she said. "Each person needs to be responsible for making their life worthwhile for themselves."

At the Family Spiritual Center in Poway, the Rev. Abigail Albert and her husband, Steve, seemed to agree.

"Be what you want first," Abigail said. People will too often think that their lives are incomplete and that they need another person to complete them, she said.

"Too often you have two halves coming together, and they're still halves," she said. "It needs to be two wholes coming together."

"Don't look for your other half," Steve said.

Steve, who teaches at the University of Phoenix and runs workshops with his wife at the Family Spiritual Center, said it's important to know yourself, know what you want in a relationship and to know the different personalities that exist.

He identified four: bossy, detailed-oriented, people-pleasers and the life-of-the-party. Each of the four has four subgroups, he said.

"Each one of those needs something," he said. "And the major thing that we talk about (in workshops) is if you are treating another personality the way you want to be treated, you're going to have a terrible relationship. You have to treat that person the way they want to be treated."

Steve and Abigail said they counsel couples planning to marry, and they sometimes hear one say their partner is not perfect, but will change after married.

Don't count on it, he said.

"People are the way they are," he said. "They're not going to change just because they get married. If you don't like what you see before you do your wedding vows, you're certain not to like them after your wedding vows."

As in the movie "The Secret" -- which the couple plan to show in the near future at the center -- Abigail and Steve said they believe people have the power to attract what they want in life. That can mean they can attract the perfect person, but it also means they can attract the exact opposite, depending on their state of mind.

"If you don't feel self-worthy, you're going to attract someone in your life to make sure you're not a self-worthy person," Abigail said.

Classified ads, singles events and dating services provide plenty of proof that there are many interesting, attractive people available, but people sometimes tell themselves that all the good people are taken, creating a self-defeating scenario.

"If you believe it, it's going to come true for you," Abigail cautioned. "What you think about yourself, that's what you're attracting in your life. If you feel you can't meet anybody, that's what's going to happen to you. This old myth that if you're over 40, you'll never meet anybody, that's just not true."

The couple will teach three workshops this month under the title "How to Assure a Successful Marriage." The first workshop, "Marriage? Are You Sure?" is at 7 p.m. Tuesday. The center suggests a $20 donation.

The next two workshops, also at 7 p.m., are "Catch a Soulmate and Avoid Future Divorce" on Feb. 20 and "Getting Through the Hard Times" on Feb. 27. For more information on the series, call (858) 487-8885.

Budden-Potts will present a two-day workshop Feb. 24 and 25 specifically for women. Topics will include five self-destructive dating habits and eight signs that a man is sincere.

Again, Budden-Potts said self-image is crucial for women seeking a quality mate.

"Basically, men value women who value themselves," she said. "Men like confident women who are comfortable and raise them to a higher standard."

Budden-Potts said she also discusses why women are confused, which she said often is rooted in conflicts between social condition and reality.

"There's a lot to getting a good partner," she said.

For pricing and location information about Budden-Potts' workshop, call her at (760) 798-9076.

Contact staff writer Gary Warth at gwarth@nctimes.com or (760) 740-5410.