The meaning of Memorial Day forever changed for Dave and Deborah Tainsh at 6 a.m. Feb. 12, 2004.

"There was only one reason for two men in Army dress greens to be standing at the door in the still-dark morning," Deborah Tainsh wrote. "They were bringing a horrid message not worthy of sunlight."

Tainsh, formerly of Oceanside, wrote about that dark morning in her recently released book, "Heart of a Hawk" ($14.95, Elva Resa Publishing), which remembers her stepson, Patrick, and how the family coped with his death.

Army Sgt. Patrick Tainsh was 33 when he was killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq, just two months before he was expected to return home. A few months after his death, Tainsh poured her grief into eight months of focused writing to create the book that is both a tribute to her stepson's life and a chronicle of how one military family dealt with the greatest sacrifice.

"People ask, 'How could you have written this so soon after Patrick's death?'" Tainsh said in a telephone interview from Washington, D.C., where she is attending Book Expo America, which concludes Monday.

"As a poet, I believe that writing as you are in the emotional twist of things helps you bring out the truth of those emotions. Had I not written it while those emotions were raw in me, I don't think I could ever have written it."

By writing the book immediately, Tainsh said, she also would not have to relive the pain she felt in the first year of Patrick's death.

"Yes, it was difficult to write, but if I hadn't done it then, I never would have done it," she said. "You know when you're hurting real bad and you want others to hurt with you to validate that? I thought if I could write this in a way to make people understand the hurt, I'd know others were hurting with me."

Tainsh said her book can help non-military families understand the grief faced by many military families, and it also would help keep alive the memory of her stepson.

"Our greatest fear is that our children will be forgotten," Tainsh said about the shared grief parents feel.

Deborah and Dave Tainsh met in 1983 at a Little League game in Pine Hill, Ga., where her son, Jason, and his son, Patrick, were on teams.

The couple married by the end of the year, and the new family moved to Oceanside, where Dave was stationed as a Marine.

The family lived in Oceanside for about 20 years. Patrick, a rambunctious 13-year-old who fought the move to California, often surfed the beaches of his new home, but also had many other wild oats to sow.

Things weren't always smooth with other family members, and Tainsh wrote candidly about problems the couple had, including a temporary separation. Tainsh moved to Midland, Ga., in 2000, and was joined by her husband after they reconciled in 2002.

"Heart of a Hawk" does not include much on the family's years in Oceanside, but focuses on time after Patrick turned his life around and, to the surprise of almost all around him, joined the Army at age 29.

Proud but anxious about Patrick's deployment to Iraq, the couple talked on the phone with him as often as they could and were already making plans for a family trip to Disney World to celebrate his return when they got the news of his death.

While Tainsh said writing about Patrick's death was cathartic, the story was just too painful for her to write in the first person. A journalist who studied creative writing in college, Tainsh wrote the story in the third person, giving herself some emotional distance from the moments when she and Dave sat quietly in their kitchen or shared memories of Patrick.

The third-person narrative makes certain scenes somehow even more gripping, such as the moment when the Army sergeant who had told them of Patrick's death asked Dave to sign papers for death and burial benefits.

"This can't be happening, Deborah kept thinking as she handed her husband his glasses," she wrote in Chapter 10. "She watched the paper shake in Dave's hands. If there were ever a moment in her life where she felt outside her body, watching the most horrible scene that could ever occur involving those she loved, this was it."

Besides writing the book and articles for her local newspaper, Tainsh last year wrote a column in response to the media attention surrounding antiwar activist Cindy Sheehan, who also lost a son in Iraq.

"Mrs. Sheehan does not speak for the majority of military families," Tainsh said. "We find ways to honor our fallen loved ones by doing things that will bring honor to their name and service."

Tainsh questioned why so much attention was given to Sheehan and her antiwar message, while little attention was focused on her grief and that of other military families who have lost a loved one but still believe in the mission in Iraq.

As for Sheehan, Tainsh was respectful of her grief and right to speak her opinion.

"Even though I disagree with her actions, I would never negate Mrs. Sheehan's grief -- a dark abyss of overwhelming emotion that takes a parent to places never comprehended," she wrote in her column. "My heart goes out to Cindy, as do the hearts of other Gold Star (those who lost family members in war) parents I've spoken with."

Patrick was awarded the Bronze and Silver stars for his actions on the night he was killed. Four months after he died, the Tainshes finally learned of his heroism when Patrick's first sergeant visited them.

Patrick was the gunner in the third of a four-vehicle convoy of Humvees. The convoy had slowed and the first vehicle was making a turn when a bomb detonated, killing the driver and injuring another soldier.

The first sergeant said Patrick quickly opened fire and probably shot more than 400 rounds from his 50-caliber gun. Once he had rid the area of insurgents, he finally slid down into the vehicle and said that he had been hit. By the time a medic arrived, he had bled to death.

His first sergeant told his parents that Patrick should not have been able to fire all those rounds with such a bad wound, but because he did, the other Americans were alive today.

Eleven months after Patrick's death, the Tainshes received something else that would make them proud; a letter Patrick had written to them in case he did not make it home.

"I'm writing you this letter because something went wrong," the letter began.

Patrick wrote that it was an honor to fight and die with an American flag on his shoulder, and that he believed he was helping the people of Iraq to be free.

""I just also want you to know that I've always loved you and appreciate the things you've done or tried to do for me," he wrote. "Sometimes it was hard to say thanks, but I was always thankful for you."

Tainsh said she had the manuscript written and sitting on the table but didn't know what to do next when she received the letter, giving her an epilogue to her book. In her final chapter before the epilogue, Tainsh wrote about watching Iraqi Olympians march into the arena on the opening night of the 2004 summer games, no longer fearing they would be tortured if they returned home without medals, and she felt proud that Patrick and others like him had helped liberate the country.

"We still believe in the mission," she said, "although we've had our losses."

Contact staff writer Gary Warth at gwarth@nctimes.com or (760) 740-5410. To comment, visit http://www.nctimes.com.

To read Deborah Tainsh' column about Cindy Sheehan, visit http://www.military.com/Opinions/0,,Tainsh_082905,00.html

Related links: To read Deborah Tainsh's column about Cindy Sheehan, visit http://www.military.com/Opinions/0,,Tainsh_082905,00.html