Pamela Valenciano, 28, Oceanside: Home loan consultant; single mother of Omar Anthony Palos, 12.

Monica Watkins, 44, Oceanside: Recently divorced mother of four boys: Andy, 20, Dan, 17, Curtis,15 and Brian, 14. Just passed the state exam to become an insurance agent.

Tina Ordway, 49, Carlsbad: Learning the financial business at Presidential Brokerage in Carlsbad. Divorced mother of two daughters, Nicole, 26, and Danielle, 24.

Dr. Julie Lyle, 48, Oceanside: Married with a son, Tommy, 7; licensed psychotherapist who holds seminars and workshops on women's empowerment issues (www.drjuls.com).

Although a woman never stops being a mother once she has a child, there often comes a time when a daily routine of diapers, meals and shuttle service wanes and all those motherly duties are just not as time-consuming as they used to be. That's when many women get a chance to sit down, catch their breath and look at their lives in the mirror.

Some finally get a chance to pursue a lifelong passion after years of putting their family before themselves. Now, after never having the time or the confidence, they take up surfing or salsa, start a new career or embark on a new role as a single woman.

They are called women in transition, said Encinitas resident Virginia Byrd, who raised four children as a single parent and for the past 20 years has been counseling women about returning to the workforce (www.careerbalance.net).

"I think I have heard every story that ever was," she said in a recent interview. "Mothers absolutely have trouble putting themselves out there. Our culture promotes the idea that it is the woman who takes care of the children and the older parents. And it also teaches us not to brag about what we do."

As a result, Byrd said, women re-entering the workplace have difficulty drafting their resumes and standing up to discrimination. "It is risky to make changes. I can talk and talk about research, but it's still difficult to take risks. They used to say, when they walked into a room, 'I was just a homemaker,' and I would tell them they were not allowed to say that. Just because you were a mother doesn't mean you don't have skills. You get tagged with this role, but you need to realize you are full, skillful people."

For Mother's Day, the North County Times sat down in Carlsbad with a group of mothers to examine these issues. What have they learned about themselves and about raising children, and have their ideas of what constitutes a good mom changed?

Ordway: I was raised in a large family and my mom was an old mom in the '60s, so she nurtured independence and self-sufficiency in us. I went into parenthood thinking that is the way it should be, but instead I stayed home. My husband would not walk in every evening without my lipstick being on, the hair done and the house perfect because I guess I needed to prove something Ö Still, somehow, I managed to empower my kids, even though, somehow, that independent side of me was always stifled.

Watkins: I have three teenagers and I have just gone back into the work force, and with the divorce, the house is on the market. Every morning I have to get three teenage boys up and put the house in a condition where hopefully someone will walk through and think about buying it.

Lyle: How long has it been since you have been in a full-time professional position?

Watkins: 21 years. I just passed my exam this morning to be an insurance agent. I have always taught private piano and voice along the way when it was convenient for everyone else … Some of us who have made these lifestyle changes, it is because in part we realize this is what we want to teach our kids -- that you can go out there and be successful.

Valenciano: There have been times as a single mom when I have had to work until midnight. I had to provide for Anthony -- I didn't have a choice. There was no one to catch me. … I have felt that I have always had to prove myself. I was so driven to show him that I am a success. He may not remember all of the difficult times, but it has taken a lot of work to get where we are.

Ordway: I always wanted to be the perfect mother, the perfect wife. But the one thing I always put in my marriage, I always told my girls, "Live your dreams." The Tina who was pre-marriage, who was the go-getter and always enjoyed life, is the Tina I am trying to find now. I always put that aside during the marriage.

Valenciano: I can't believe it, but I will be 34 when he (Anthony) goes to college, and I wonder if I will I want to do this all over again and remarry and have a child six years from now. My experience has been so difficult to do by myself. I can't imagine what it would be like to not go, go, go all the time. Never say never. Maybe I'll want to go back to college.

Are you happy with the mothering choices you made, and what have you learned from them?

Ordway: I guess I had the comfort of knowing I didn't have to work for many years, and when I got married at 22, it was sort of my goal to stay at home. Looking back, I don't think I would have changed it.

Valenciano: I gave up a lot to have my child, but I chose the better choice. I didn't go to my prom or walk with my class. I missed out on a lot, and it has been harder for me now, too. I don't have a 10-year high school reunion to go to and other things. But I made the right choice.

Watkins: I don't regret staying home at all.

How do you find time to pursue your own interests?

Lyle: I had a mom the other day who told me, "I loved taking tap-dancing lessons, and I had to give them up because I just don't have the time." It was as if something had to fall off the plate, and that was the first that had to go.

Valenciano: One thing that I found when I really want to do something for myself, if that means sacrificing sleep, then that's what I do. For me, it is working out. So I wake up a lot earlier now to make sure I have time to do that and I'm a much happier person now. I am more patient with everyone in the house when I take that time.

Is your family supportive of your new career, relationship, or passion?

Ordway: The thing I always told my girls is to live your dreams. My one daughter always wanted to work with marine mammals and now she trains dolphins down at the naval base. My other daughter always wanted to be in the theater and now she's Paris Hilton's body double. If you have a passion, follow it. About two years ago, both my daughters told me to go out and live my dreams. They told me, "You have made us happy all our growing-up years, and now it's your turn. Whatever it takes, do it, Mom."

Watkins: We talk all the time about the divorce with the kids. They are both glad that both of us are happier now. There was nothing more charming than having two of my freshmen in high school quizzing me for my state insurance exam. But at the same time, they needed to see that you need to work to achieve what you want. They had a very charmed existence growing up, and there have been a lot of changes with the divorce. But I still think we are all better off.

Lyle: The other thing that strikes me is that when women make transitions, does their primary relationship encourage self-development, or does that union stifle it? Will the kids make dinner and the husband begin to adapt to doing what he sees as domestic things? Sometimes there is a gender issue here. I think it gives the mother permission to check out, if the child is a boy and he bonds with his father. This is a personal issue for me. I think it matters whether the other parent is attached to the kid, and the gender of the children, too.

Watkins: I agree with what Julie is saying. At one point I had four boys under 7, but their dad early on was probably on the road 35 weeks of the year, so I was in many regards a single parent. And I tried to teach them along the way, like how to cook, how you do laundry and … to teach them to date the smart girls.

Valenciano: My son does his own laundry. He's 9. And he tells his friends, "How else am I going to survive college -- not do my laundry?"

How do feelings of guilt and fear of being selfish keep you from following your interests?

Valenciano: I have found myself at times wanting to give him (my son) everything material. And until recently, I have tried to correct myself because it shouldn't be all of the time, whatever you want, even if you can afford it. It's just that feeling "Gosh, I wasn't really there." And the guilt again.

Ordway: I have a delegating problem, even now. I'll make dinner and Matt (her partner) does the dishes, and sometimes it's not until 4:30 in the morning when he gets to them, and I have to keep myself from getting in there and doing them first.

Valenciano: One of the things I feel very guilty about is the cell phone, because that's work. So I talked to my son about it, and now he'll say "Mom, how many loans did you get today?" and he wants to know … what happened to that client with the bad FICO scores. It's amazing. So I explain it to him and say, "OK, you're going to be my assistant right now, and I need to you to write down this telephone number for me." I have to make it fun for him, otherwise there is guilt of being on the phone again.

Ordway: There was guilt on my part even though they (my daughters) are in their 20s, because I worry I'm not there to have dinner with them three times a week or I'm not available to them. But they tell me, "We are so happy that you are going forward." So I realize that this is guilt that I put on myself.

What does being a good mom mean to you, and has your idea changed?

Ordway: My mother was not much of a homemaker; they were in the restaurant business, so my dad did the marketing and the cooking, and she would go up for hours and paint and do cut glass. So how did I became a dizzy homemaker? I don't think I ever saw my mother cook in 20-something years, but she was a good mom. Now, I wake up every single morning thinking there is nothing I can't do.

Watkins: Me too. Except for golf. When I turned 40, that was one of the goals I had, and I tried very desperately to play golf.

Valenciano: The more successful in more areas I feel, the better I am doing. Maybe because I have always been on my own. My priority is my son. I do everything -- the grocery shopping and the baking and everything. But I have every other weekend when my son is with his father, when I have time to play or do whatever, when I can do things I want to do.

Lyle: What is the definition of a good mom? A good mom is attentive and nurturing and available and in that constant giving, it is very easy to ignore "how do I give that back to myself?" You have to think, "I'm important too." And mothering is never done. You will also have that emotional umbilicial cord.

Ordway: It's a different role, but I always am still a mom. And you are always a daughter. I'm still there to nurture and for them to confide in. And Pam, you just wait, Anthony will come to you when he has trouble with his wife and talk to you.

Valenciano: That's a good thing. He can talk to you about shoes and purses. I've always taken him shopping becuase you know, shopping is important (laughs).

Lyle: I guess the best mother is the one who is authentic -- and if you're honest and true to yourself, then you're authentic. And you're happy.

Contact staff writer Ruth Marvin Webster at (760) 740-3527 or rwebster@nctimes.com.