For Escondido resident Frances Mercado and others who have lost family members in the armed services, Memorial Day does not signal the start of the summer season or a day off from work spent at the beach or by the barbecue. It is a day of sober remembrance for those who have given their lives in service of their country.

Memorial Day, which is Monday, was originally Decoration Day, a day when families decorated grave sites of soldiers killed in combat. First observed to honor Union soldiers who died during the Civil War, the holiday was expanded after World War I to include all those who died in any war or military action.

Even four years after the death of her half-brother, Army Spc. Genaro Acosta, from a roadside bomb in Taji, Iraq, tears well up in Mercado's eyes when she is reminded she will never see him again.

"We used to barbecue for Memorial Day, but I never thought then I'd have someone to remember," she said, adding that there will be no barbecue for her this year. "It's the same every Memorial Day, Veterans Day and his birthday. I don't want to do anything. I just want to spend time with him," she said.

Cherish the memories

On this Memorial Day -- and every other day of the year -- loved ones left behind learn to cherish their memories while living with their grief.

"Survivor's guilt is not just a term, it is reality," said Don Bentley, a psychotherapist in Oceanside and a Vietnam veteran. "I had a patient who wore a locket with a picture of his friend in it. He had to wear it as his way of memorializing his loss. Finally, through therapy, he was able to keep his friend alive in his thoughts so that he could take off the locket and put it away."

Mercado keeps her half-brother alive in her thoughts, too. "I know I'll see him on the other side," she said, "but I just wish I could see him one more time, or get that phone call, and he says, 'Hey, Nana, what's up?' Or when I used to make him my menudo … "

She said she still writes notes on a Web page set up for the 26-year-old Acosta, who died Nov. 11, 2003.

Harvey Feinman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist who has been in practice in Oceanside for 28 years, isn't surprised by the depth of Mercado's emotions, as each person grieves differently.

"I try to explain to them (my patients) that, depending on how recent the loss, it's going to be an emotional roller coaster, but after some time, the highs and lows won't be as extreme as they were, and it's important to get support wherever you can," said Feinman.

"I tell them not to be surprised by their emotions," he added. "You can think you were over the grieving and you had dealt with the issue, and then a song comes on the radio and you're back in the lows."

Once when Mercado was in Wal-Mart at Christmastime, she said, she had to walk out of the store because "I'll Be Home for Christmas" came over the speakers. These days, though, she says, she cries less -- except for the holidays, like Memorial Day.

"The issue does come up that 'If I stop grieving, I'm losing that person completely,' " said Feinman. "But I would say, revisit those emotions with memories and mementoes, but then let it go. And try to think about how that person would have wanted for you to go on with your life."

Since losing her brother in Iraq, Mercado said she feels more patriotic.

"I want to carry on his legacy and keep his memory alive," she said. "I wasn't like this before, but now I am. I put my flag out and I participate in events that support the military, like at Sept. 11. It helps me to know that I'm not alone, and I know that I can help them too."

'People have forgotten'

Frank Zugaj, 62, of Oceanside is an American Legion member who served four tours in Vietnam. A member of American Legion Post 146 in Oceanside, he also reaches out to help people who have been touched by the tragedy of a military death. He said he has given out Gold Star banners to 18 local families who have lost loved ones in the Gulf War.

"They hang them in the windows," he explained, clarifying that gold stars go to widows and widowers whose spouses died on active duty or from service-connected disabilities, and blue stars to those mothers who have children currently serving in the military.

"To some people, the banners mean a heck of a lot. Some posts won't take the time to do it, but we do. I gave the banner to one family and about three months later, they invited me to a picnic. That was very nice."

An active member of the Oceanside post, Zugaj said he has attended more than 90 military funerals in the last 15 years. Though he has learned to deal with his grief at funeral services, saying it "doesn't grab me the way it used to," he said he still is moved when he hears the plaintive sound of a trumpet playing taps.

Each Memorial Day, he said, he attends services at Mission San Luis Rey, where, afterward, those in attendance place wreaths on the grave of an unknown soldier and other military graves in the cemetery. Then in the afternoon, he said, he attends a Memorial Day ceremony at Mount Soledad.

Zugaj, who recently suffered a stroke, said the real meaning of Memorial Day has been lost to many Americans.

"People have forgotten what it's for," he said. "It has gotten too commercial, with sales here and there. These guys are heroes, and they should be honored. They died in combat to preserve our way of life, and I would like more attention paid to the real purpose of the holiday and not just because it's a day off work."

Contact staff writer Ruth Marvin Webster at (760) 740-3527 or rwebster@nctimes.com.