Carlsbad writer Maryanne Raphael does not find it surprising to learn that Mother Teresa may have experienced times when she doubted her faith, and even the very existence of God. "I think everybody has times when they doubt," said Raphael, who has written two books about her personal experiences with Mother Teresa. "You have to keep falling in love over and over again."

For those who assumed the Catholic nun was the bedrock of unquestioning faith, it came perhaps as a shock when a newly published collection of the nun's private writings disclosed that her questioning of her belief in God extended over decades.

The book, called "Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light," was edited by the Rev. Brian Kolodiejchuk and released on the 10th anniversary of her death in September 2007. It contains letters that she wrote to her spiritual confessors over decades; she had ordered that other letters be destroyed. Kolodiejchuk, who knew Mother Teresa for 20 years, is the director of the Mother Teresa Center, a member of her Missionaries of Charity, and the man responsible for petitioning for her sainthood.

Raphael, who was raised a Catholic in Waverly, Ohio, said she became interested in writing a book about Mother Teresa in 1979, just after the nun had won the Nobel Peace Prize.

She first met Mother Teresa in 1982 at St. Rita's Church in New York City, where a friend of hers was one of eight women taking their vows.

"When Mother Teresa walked up to the altar, I was astonished to see how short she was, and yet her energy was so powerful she may as well have been 8 feet tall," Raphael wrote in the introduction of her first book about the nun, called "Mother Teresa, Called to Love" (2000, Writers World).

"It is like God came in a tiny suitcase and everyone was thinking she was speaking just to them," recalled Raphael. The book, the product of years of research from books, articles and videos, also led Raphael all over the world, talking with those who had worked with and known the "Saint of the Gutters."

Raphael said she, too, was initially stunned when she heard of Mother Teresa's "dark night of the soul" because, she said, the beloved nun always appeared to Raphael and to the world so certain of her religious mission.

In 1992, Raphael attended a retreat given for Mother Teresa by her Missionaries of Charity in Tijuana. Raphael said she spoke with some of her missionaries about Mother Teresa's letters written to her spiritual advisers expressing doubt.

"I found it impossible to believe at first, too," Raphael said. "Mother Teresa had always seemed so full of joy and she brought joy to all around her. She would not let us work with her if we weren't smiling. 'The poor and the sick have enough sorrow of their own,' she'd say."

No one was more surprised about Mother Teresa's crisis of faith, added Raphael, than many of her own Missionaries of Charity sisters and co-workers who thought they knew her well. "She may have doubted herself, but Jesus never doubted her, and no one else ever doubted her faith," said Raphael.

Raphael's second book about "Mother," as she often refers to her, is called "What Mother Teresa Taught Me" and will be released in October by St. Anthony Messenger Press. It came about as the result of the publisher's request to know more about how Raphael was personally affected by Mother Teresa and how those experiences changed her life.

"The first book has just seven pages about me," she said. "It was really written as a biography and includes other stories about her, but this book is more about me."

In the course of her research, Raphael said she was surprised to discover that Mother Teresa submitted to an exorcism a few years before she died.

"Mother was suffering with heart problems," said Raphael, "and the archbishop (of Calcutta, Henry d'Souze) felt Mother might be under attack from the Evil One and suggested an exorcism. 'I am so small I don't think the devil would bother with me,' she said to him, but agreed to do as the archbishop wished."

Raphael said she doesn't believe these private letters that recently have found their way to publication as revealing her doubts will stand in the way of Mother Teresa's canonization. "I think it's going to speed it up," she said.

"A lot of people believe that at the beginning, the soul is sure of itself, and as time goes on, it wavers. It is a well-known Christian tradition," said Raphael. "In the 16th century, St. John of the Cross wrote of the 'dark night of the soul,' where he called it the road to the divine encounter. In his book, St. John takes the reader step by step through the dark night."

Raphael said that Mother Teresa's patron saint, St. Therese of Lisieux, also wrote in her autobiography of a similar trial of faith.

"Both women struggled to be light to others even from the darkest night," said Raphael. "They both spoke of Jesus' thirst for souls and how they wished to bring souls to him. Mother Teresa had the words 'I thirst' above the altar in the Missionaries of Charity chapels all over the world. No matter what either of them felt, they both inspired and consoled many people and led many little souls to their beloved spouse. They teach us you don't have to feel love to live it."

Contact staff writer Ruth Marvin Webster at (760) 740-3527 or rwebster@nctimes.com.