There is a story, probably apocryphal but informative nonetheless, of a British colonial administrator in India who, having learned that local villagers were about to burn a widow to death as part of the ancient Hindu tradition of suttee, ordered the practice abolished.

When the locals protested that the ritual, which supposedly showed a wife's fidelity to her husband, was part of their culture, the Brit responded that that was all well and good, "But in my culture we hang fellows who do those kinds of things."

I couldn't help but think of that tale when I read Tuesday about the Iraqi cultural training that Camp Pendleton's 5th Marine Regiment was receiving in anticipation of its deployment to that country. In a meeting with what in any other context would be called a sensitivity trainer, Col. Patrick Malay was taught, among other things, that when in the company of local sheiks he should never -- Never! -- set down his cup of coffee. To do so is to risk offending one's host.

I'm all for following local customs and being a good guest, but I draw the line at an occupying army -- or expeditionary force, in the vernacular of the Marines -- worrying about such formalities. Should the good colonel also keep his pinky out? What are the rules on dunking? If this indoctrination is any indication, it seems we've skipped right over imperial arrogance and gone straight to multicultural, post-colonial groveling.

It's always dangerous to try to read someone's mind, but in the pictures of Col. Malay that accompanied the story I thought I saw the glazed, detached look of every man who has had to sit through a sexual harassment awareness class: He looks as if he's trying to take it seriously, but it appears to be everything he can do to keep from laughing out loud. Maybe that's why he's chewing on his pen.

Perhaps he found the briefing informative. But it sure would have made me feel a whole lot better if sometime during the lecture about the shaking of hands and the placing of cups, Col. Malay had said to his tutor, "I'm supposed to be a warrior, not flippin' Emily Post!"

I wasn't in the military, nor am I an expert on counterinsurgencies, nation-building, or Arab culture. I'm just an idiot with an opinion 7,000 miles from Baghdad. And I'm obviously having a little fun with this trifling detail in what, I'm sure, was an otherwise useful operational briefing. But I think it contains a kernel of truth that explains why our efforts in Iraq have been so unsuccessful.

President Bush has given many reasons for invading Iraq. Four years after the war began, the one that still resonates with me is that the country provided the most likely catalyst for a cultural and political change throughout the largely Arabic Middle East.

This concept of reform of the Arab world, as opposed to a tit-for-tat approach to terrorism, is crucial. Toppling the Taliban in Afghanistan was great, but 9/11 was planned and committed by Arabs of various nationalities, not Afghans.

Of the two conflicts, Afghanistan, which has become the good war, was actually the one that catered to our darkest and most visceral needs to inflict death and misery on our enemies. It was exactly the type of eye-for-an-eye retribution that the pacifists say soon leads to a blind world.

Iraq, on the other hand, is (or at least was) the more liberal attempt to address the "root causes" of terrorism through the spread of enlightenment values -- democracy, respect for individual rights, the rule of law and religious tolerance. If we fail in Iraq, it will not be because we tried to impose these foreign values on an unwilling populace, but because we didn't try hard enough.

Which is odd because America has a long history of colonialism, military occupation and cultural insensitivity that has actually worked out pretty well for most involved.

In the Philippines, after a bloody campaign against what William Howard Taft, governor general of the islands after we evicted the Spanish and future president, called our "little brown brothers," we forced them to learn English. That was culturally oppressive, but in a country whose own language, Tagalog, has And over 100 dialects , we allowed them to speak to one another and secured an ally for life in the process.

In occupied Japan, General MacArthur launched a liberalizing campaign that demoted the emperor from god to mere monarch and extended full rights to women. The Japanese were so offended they went on to become the second largest economy on Earth.

In a defeated Germany, Gen. Eisenhower forced the residents of a small town near the Ohrdruf concentration camp to tour the facility . Afterward, the mayor and his wife went home and hanged themselves. That's pretty rough stuff, but it made clear that the Nazi experiment had been an inhumane failure and the victors weren't going to let the vanquished forget it. We did such a good job teaching them this lesson that now the Germans think we're the war criminals.

Maybe better table manners will help us win the war. At this point, I'm in favor of anything that will. The Pentagon should send Col. Malay and every Marine in the 5th Regiment to an Arabic finishing school if it helps. But if the purpose of invading Iraq wasn't to impose our values, beliefs, manners and customs on the Iraqis, then maybe the whole thing has been a waste of time.

Columnist Christopher Hitchens said about the U.S. invasion of Afghanistan that it marked the first time in history that a country was bombed out of the Stone Age. Perhaps our mission in Iraq should be to, if not bomb, at least forcefully nudge its inhabitants out of the backward tribalism and religious fanaticism that has retarded their society and much of Arab culture.

I'd much rather see the Arab world reform itself. Absent that, our only option is to force reform on them. If we fail, it's just a matter of time before another group of Arab men tries to repeat the horrors of 9/11. Loosening up the rules about when and where to set down one's coffee cup may be a good place to start.

Contact Assistant Opinion Editor Joe Sheffo at (760) 740-3514 or jsheffo@nctimes.com.