The controversy over gay marriage in San Francisco and California has sparked discussions within my Methodist church congregation in North County. The church hierarchy discussed the issue at a regional conference last week. Good Christians are split on gay marriage and on whether gay people should be accepted into the congregation. The need for simple decency and justice compels me to relate my own story.

I stopped hating gay people 20 years ago. I didn't believe I knew any gay people up to that point, but I was wrong. I just didn't know who they were.

As the newly hired manager of a professional services firm, my predecessor introduced me to three key employees: Peter, Gail and Cathy. He told me to keep an eye on these troublemakers, who should be replaced as soon as possible. I thanked him but decided to form my own conclusions.

My first day on the job, Gail invited me home for dinner. "Nothing special, just spaghetti." Gail and Cathy served a sumptuous meal with sauce made with home-grown tomatoes. We finished two bottles of red wine and talked and laughed long into the night. It was a delightful evening of warm new friendships.

Cathy and Gail were living together as a married couple. And what of it?, I thought on the way home. What's the big deal? They were indispensable at that firm. They were the most affable, reliable people I've ever had the privilege of managing. By every measure, they were fine, upstanding citizens: voters, taxpayers, parents, self-sufficient folks with solid work ethics who regularly went hundreds of extra miles for me and the business. These dear people gave me a new perspective: I stopped hating homosexuals as a class and started seeing them as people.

Homosexuality is not a lifestyle choice. Given the stigma imposed by many in society, no rational person would invite the taunting, derision and outcast status. Homosexuality is a condition of nature, like the color of one's hair, skin or eyes. It is not a disease that needs to be cured or a psychological problem that can be relieved through counseling. Homosexuality simply is.

We have no reason to fear homosexuals. You can't "catch" homosexuality by sitting next to one in church or on an airplane. As 5 percent to 15 percent of the population, even if gays did get spousal insurance rights, it wouldn't break the bank. But because of society's rejection, many live troubled, double lives, fearing the prejudice and ostracism that may accompany discovery. Gay people need the succor of a church family, as anyone does. They should have it.

Some Americans seem to have lost their way in their condemnation of gays. Disliking and rejecting people solely on the basis of homosexuality is just another form of blind prejudice, right down there in the sewer with racism. Society needs to get over it.

Gays have been around since the dawn of time, and they're here to stay. My church, the United Methodist Church of Vista, fortunately has escaped the divisiveness that has troubled some other churches. I encourage all my fellow Americans, believers or not, to follow the path of fellowship and humanity. Let us encourage anyone of good will to enter our sanctuaries. Let us show compassion for our brothers and sisters in humanity, regardless of their private lives. Unless it's criminal behavior, it isn't our business.

Let's quit the nonsense about gay marriage. It's time to get over it and move on. There are more important things to be upset about.

Jim Potter of Carlsbad is telecommunications consultant.